


i can’t stop (loving you)

by vokdas



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, brian is sad, jae is dead sorry, no happy ending, sungjin is a good friend, the major character death is before the thing actually happens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 20:45:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13443060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vokdas/pseuds/vokdas
Summary: “You loved him, didn’t you?” Sungjin asks one night. Wonpil and Dowoon are asleep, curled against each other, but Younghyun can’t sleep. It’s been hard without Jae. “Jae?”“Yeah,” Younghyun croaks. “I did. I do.”





	i can’t stop (loving you)

Younghyun doesn’t cry when they get the news, but the others do.

Wonpil sobs into Sungjin’s shoulder, near hyperventilating, and Dowoon has his face buried in his hands as his shoulders shake. Sungjin has tears streaming down his face, Younghyun notices, but he holds the maknaes close to his chest, keeps whispering reassurances to them, promising them they’ll be fine – promising them that, even without Jae, things will be okay.

He doesn’t believe it – Younghyun knows him well enough to know when he’s lying, and even if he didn’t Sungjin has always been as easy to read – and they don’t believe him, if their continued crying is any indication. Younghyun doesn’t, either.

“I miss hyung,” Wonpil chokes out between hiccups. “I want hyung to come home.”

Dowoon cries harder, unintelligible although he’s obviously trying to say something too. Sungjin clutches them tighter, squeezes his eyes shut. “Me too,” is all he says, but his voice holds more weight and heartache and hurt than he could ever have poured into even the saddest of their songs. The cold dread that spreads through Younghyun’s chest leaves a cold burn in its wake, and he shoots up from his spot on the couch.

“I need – I need to go,” he says mindlessly, flipping in and out of English and Korean in his haste. “I’m sorry – sorry, I’m – I can’t – ”

He doesn’t mean to slam the door shut on the way out, but he does. Sungjin doesn’t mention it the next day.

—

Junhyeok calls first.

He’s sorry for their loss, he says, and he hopes they’ll all be alright. He says he knows they will be, because he knows them, and he’s seen them lose someone and emerge unscathed before.

(Younghyun thinks it’s ironic that it’s him who says that, and thank God only he and Sungjin picked up the phone. He doesn’t know if he can watch any more of Wonpil and Dowoon’s crying.)

“If there’s anything I can do for you all, let me know,” Junhyeok adds. “I know it’s a difficult time you’re going through.”

Sungjin’s grip on Younghyun’s fingers tighten for a fraction of a second before he forcibly relaxes again. “I will. Thank you for calling.”

He won’t, but Younghyun doesn’t think that’s something Junhyeok needs to know.

—

They sleep in the living room, after Dowoon cries all through the first night without Jae. Younghyun’s placating is useless, but it’s no surprise. He’s never been good with emotions anyway.

(As the now-oldest member, Sungjin has executive rights to the couch, but he sleeps on the floor with the rest of them, and no one has the heart to say otherwise. The couch remains empty.)

Dowoon falls asleep easily curled up in Wonpil’s arms, but Sungjin stays up for hours. Younghyun, who wakes up in the middle of the night with the image of his late best friend laughing etched into his mind, pretends he doesn’t know.

—

“When I first met Jae, I didn’t like him,” is how Younghyun’s eulogy starts. “He didn’t like me either, though. So it’s okay.”

In the front row, Wonpil is already crying. Dowoon is too, although he’s being much more discreet about it. Sungjin is stone-faced; he’d told Younghyun before they’d left that he refuses to let the media pity them any more than it has already. Younghyun thinks he understands.

Because he’d been the closest to Jae, they’d chosen him to give the eulogy. He’d been honored for a fraction of a second, then horrified. He still is.

He’ll try, though. For Jae.

“We got closer,” he goes on, swallowing the lump in his throat. “He was – was really bad at Korean, and somehow he roped me into being his personal interpreter. We had to spend more and more time together, and he just – he grew on me. He learned enough Korean, eventually, to get on without me, but he never left me behind. He was thoughtful, kind, funny, generous – the best kind of person. And he loved us.”

Sungjin’s cold front is wobbling. Younghyun hates that he’s doing this, hates that he’s the one breaking him down.

“He gave us everything,” Younghyun says. “He was so supportive of all of us, of what we wanted to do. He held us together after Junhyeok had to go. Dowoon and Wonpil fought once. Jae was the one who got them to make up.”

Dowoon lets out a wet laugh from where he’s sitting; Wonpil smiles a little. Younghyun knows they remember.

“But he wouldn’t want to see us like this,” he says, because it’s true. “He wouldn’t want – he hated to see us cry, more than anything, and he wouldn’t want us to be sad over him. If he were here, he would tell us to be happy without him. We all know he would, and we should celebrate his life, not mourn him. Park Jaehyung was my best friend, and I’m going to miss him, yeah – I already do – but I’m going to do what I can to honor his wishes and do what he would have done. Thank you.”

Sungjin is crying.

Younghyun doesn’t cry, even when they stand by and watch as Jae’s body is buried.

—

Jaebum and Jinyoung call a few days later. They’re brief and straightforward the way they always are, but Sungjin and Wonpil are appreciative; Younghyun knows they’ve always been close. Dowoon just seems happy that they get Wonpil to smile.

Mark calls Younghyun that night. He doesn’t pick up, doesn’t think he can talk about it without breaking down, but maybe Mark understands, because he sends a text after three missed calls: _jae was a great guy. i’m sorry, younghyun, he was too young and too good to die. we’ll celebrate him, too._

Younghyun’s heart feels a little lighter. He doesn’t know how he knows, but there’s no doubt in his mind that Mark is telling the truth.

—

“You loved him, didn’t you?” Sungjin asks one night. Wonpil and Dowoon are asleep, curled against each other, but Younghyun can’t sleep. It’s been hard without Jae. “Jae?”

“Yeah,” Younghyun croaks. “I did. I do.”

Sungjin sighs and reaches over in the dark to intertwine their fingers. His hands are warm. “I’m sorry, Younghyun.”

“It hurts, hyung,” Younghyun admits.

Sungjin kisses his forehead. “We’ll be here with you.”

Younghyun believes him.

—

Without Jae’s voice, their songs don’t quite sound the same, but they manage. Younghyun writes of love and of loss, of moving on, and when Wonpil breaks down on stage, no one blames him: _The bed’s cold without you, it’s hard to sleep in. I know that it’s not your fault you’re leaving_. It sounds like a love song, Younghyun knows. It is.

The My Days cry with them, scream for Sungjin when he stops singing in the middle of the song and turns away, hand clapped against his mouth. Dowoon’s drumming sounds more angry than it ever has; Jae’s guitar sits on its stand in the middle of the stage, and Younghyun’s voice cracks when he belts his _who knows if I’ll learn to love without you?_

Junhyeok leaving had been hard, but nothing has ever hurt as much as losing Jae.

—

Jae’s birthday comes, goes. They don’t celebrate any more than a post to Instagram and a call to his parents in Long Beach. He would have been twenty-six this year.

Sungjin locks himself in his and Wonpil’s room, cries, although he’ll deny it. If the knowing looks they exchange at the dinner table are any indication, Wonpil and Dowoon can see what’s going on. Younghyun figures they’re too old to protect from the world, now.

Jimin calls to say she hopes they’re not doing too badly and promises to come over sometime. She’s genuine, Younghyun knows, but she’s such a reminder of Jae that he locks himself in his room and writes yet another sad song: _I’ve been breaking, I’ve been waiting for you. Maybe I’m mistaken to still be waiting for you_.

He’ll be okay, eventually. Or he hopes so.

—

They disband after a last farewell of a song. Wonpil and Dowoon move into their own apartment on the other side of the country, and Sungjin continues on as a solo artist. Younghyun is sure he’ll be incredible, and he tells him so.

Toronto is calling.

—

Sungjin calls the night after his first song goes viral, months later. It’s a love song, of course it is, and that’s just as well; Sungjin deserves to be loved and in love. Younghyun is happy for him.

“Do you still love him?” Sungjin asks when Younghyun picks up. “After all this time – do you?”

And Younghyun cries for the first time since they’d lost Jae, since he’d lost the love of his life, because Sungjin has put into so little words what he’s been too afraid of admitting to himself. He cries, and Sungjin lets him, and when he says, “I might always,” Sungjin believes him.

**Author's Note:**

> this is sad sorry


End file.
